The shutdown came so suddenly we didn’t have time to prepare really. If we had more notice would it have been like when you go on holiday. We try and get all our affairs in order so you can relax for a while without the real world knocking.
But this was all so sudden. The engine light flashing on the car dashboard, the hospital appointment, the paying of bills, nothing needed to be dealt with, nothing could be.
For many everything shut down and their world opened up. They got to know neighbours for the first time having a cuppa across the fence. Discovering that the lady in No 5 was a professional singer as she entertained the street from the doorstep.
But for many our worlds also closed. Chatting to my sisters each week all around the world different countries enforcing varying levels of restrictions for me it became harder each week to stay upbeat and positive.
People have come out of lockdown ready to get back out there but me, I just want to hibernate. I’m exhausted, physically, emotionally and mentally. Three toddlers took everything I had to give during the lockdown, and a bit more. Thinking about September when play school reopens gives me some hope but the constant will they won’t they leaves me frazzled. Preparing and reopening the shop I felt overwhelmed and the changing guidelines, while completely understandable, leave me bewildered.
People say things about the new norm and having hope, I feel like I’m very dizzy on a roundabout with nothing to hold on to. I miss the world I left behind when going to the park didn’t stress me out, the kids didn’t ask me if they can hug people and my world changed only when I wanted it to.
We assume the government has the best answers on what is unfolding and what to do. And while I think we’ve been luckier than most with our leaders’ decisions if I think about it too long I realise that like everyone else they don’t really know. Therefore, all the decisions are always a best guess, frightening when you do think about it.
So it’s time for a remodel. As we reopen our lives and our country we need to look at the pieces we left back in March and decide which bits we want to survive. Our comfort? Our style? Our humanity? Our old people? Our jobs? Our democratic rights? Our lifestyle? Our community? Our health? Our independance?
The list goes on….and on. There is a voice inside me saying there is no going back and yet the world around me feels like people are. The distress from those people queuing round the block for cheap clothes was uttered for a few days and then everyone joined them. Our economy had come to rest on the cheap, endless consumption of things whose true costs to humanity were carefully hidden. I had hoped that we had come to value more.
All I can affect is my own world and so I’m remodelling. I’m looking at all the pieces of my life and deciding which ones I want to put back so I can take the opportunity to make a new image. One that is created by me and not the pressure of the outside world. I’m spending time giving attention to what I am, not what I’m expected to be. Living has to be the focus, to merely survive is not enough.